A Lesson in Writing
by DragonSlayer909
Summary: Hope receives a rather heated writing lesson. He's going to learn something, whether he likes it or not! Half lesson, half parody, and now with 20% more actual fanfiction! Update: Lavender Unicorn Syndrome.
1. Paragraph Structure

**Hey, folks, how are you doing? This fic isn't really a fanfiction, just a half-rant and half-fic and a quarter-test. Anyway, you guys didn't click this to listen to my rambling, so on with the show!**

* * *

Hope sighed as his English teacher continued on with the grammar lesson. It was tempting to take a nap, but his grades were already on the brink of failure.

Mr. Greenshaw continued on, oblivious to his student's angsting. "Many things about writing are subjective. This is **NOT.**" He suddenly rapped his pointer on the desk, making most of the class jump in their seats. "Mr. Esthiem! Perhaps you can tell us about why paragraphs are divided as they are."

"Uh," Hope stuttered. He wracked his brain, trying to remember something. Some acronym...OPOI? "One paragraph, one idea?"

Hope had a sudden craving for ice cream, and had no idea why.

"CORRECT!" Mr. Greenshaw roared. "Never forget; new speaker, new paragraph!"

He continued like he hadn't violated most of Palumpolum Academy of the Arts' rules about teacher conduct. "The length of the paragraph can vary, and it depends on the writer's own style, as well as the pacing of the story. Very few stories contain consistent pacing. Sometimes, in a heavy bit of exposition, the paragraph's flow slows down. The paragraphs become multi-claused and long. The transitions between sentences are changed, and therefore the reader's perception and feelings are changed.

"However, the opposite effect can also be used."

Hope suddenly had an ominous feeling. Something was different.

There was a sense of tension.

Some uneasiness.

Something terrible was coming.

Someone's phone rang.

"DETENTION!" Mr. Greenshaw never missed a chance to take a student's phone. "Mr. Frederick, please see me after class." He snatched the phone from the guilty offender's hands and stored it in his pocket.

"As you can see," said Mr. Greenshaw, "the simple act of making one's sentences and paragraphs shorter can create an urgency not present in more long-winded writing, and more long-winded writing can be relaxing in a way that tiny sentences just can't. You can use these simple techniques to great effect in pacing different scenes in your writing appropriately – choppy writing with few transitions is good for an action scene or a tense situation, whereas slower sentences full of clauses and commas are great for description, introspection, exposition and downtime between high-intensity scenes.

He turned his burning eyes to the class, and they trembled in their seats.

"New writers," he spat, "have a habit of clumping all their text together into one or two large paragraphs." He stared in open disgust at Hope.

Hope flushed and sank a bit lower in his seat. So what if he like writing fanfiction in class? It was only two times!

"A paragraph's purpose is to enhance readability. Technically, a paragraph can be of any length, but its usually better to make a new paragraph if it goes longer than seven or eight sentences. If your work's not readable, no one is going to read it." He paused to sip from a bottle of water.

"A single sentence can also be its own paragraph."

Mr. Greenshaw glared at the assembled students. "Remember, kiddies, its almost always better to have too little paragraphs than too many. If you learn only one thing today, _make it that!_"

"Class DISMISSED! Tomorrow's topic! Point of view!"

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**Liked it? Hated it? Want to shove a burning poker up my sensitive areas? Let me know in a review!**


	2. Points of View

**Second Chapter. Oh, and I would really appreciate some criticism or the like, because I have in all honesty no idea what I'm doing.**

* * *

Hope sat in his seat as the rest of Mr. Greenshaw's students settled in the classroom. The virtual screen was on today, which was a surprise. Mr. Greenshaw nearly always taught through simple writing and lectures instead of using more modern technology.

Mr. Greenshaw announced, "Today, we are going to learn about points of view." Thankfully, he wasn't shouting.

Hope snapped to attention. This was actually interesting to him.

"In first-person," Mr. Greenshaw said, "we see the world through the eyes of just one character. We know only what he thinks and observes. This is much like third-person, except that the narrator himself tells the story."

I listened as closely as I could.

"People seem to instinctively flock to the first-person point of view. Maybe the young writer finds it easier to unfold a story from a personal standpoint. Or perhaps they feel that they can give additional insight that is unavailable when using 'he' or 'she.'"

I really, really hoped he wasn't going on a full lecture. No one would be able to resist the siren's call of the nap.

"One trademark of a first-person narration is the words the narrator uses to refer to the protagonist. He uses words like 'I', or 'me', or 'mine' and 'my.' This presents the readers with an extremely subjective narrative. Therefore, the narrator may deceive himself. This is known as the unreliable narrator."

I scoffed mentally. He clearly had no idea what he was talking about.

"Unlike in third-person, the very nature of the narration limits the information the readers can receive. The readers are not in the head of all the characters, just one. Since we see from the eyes and ears of one character, it is far more difficult to develop the plot and the rest of the characters. This can present problems to_ the unskilled writer._" I just knew he meant me when he said that last three words.

What on Cocoon did I do to deserve this? He always picked on me!

"This often forces the writer to create contrived situations, like when the narrator eavesdrops on a conversation, or conveniently stumbles upon the villain's plans." Mr. Greenshaw held up a book with a disgusted expression. I couldn't see the title, but it was mostly black and had an apple on it. "Because of this natural limitation, first-person stories can be executed very poorly when it comes to unfolding motivations and plots."

You tried to recover from your humiliation and pay attention.

"Next numerically is second-person."

Mr. Greenshaw hesitated before continuing the lecture. "Second-person is an oddball. Instead of reading from a character's individual point of view, or being told through an omniscient camera, second-person tells _you_ the story."

You wondered why Mr. Greenshaw talked like he was stepping on thin ice. No one used second-person! He should be raging about it!

"Most second-person stories are awful, plain and simple. It feels more like a gimmick than anything else, like the author writer it on a whim."

Sometimes, a skilled author can suck you right into the character so well you are almost unaware of the viewpoint. You open the book, and start reading. You feel like you're actually in the story. You roll with it. But you agree that it can be like a gimmick.

Mr. Greenshaw snorted. "One natural downfall of the second-person narrative is its tendency to sound like a self-help book."

"However, the second-person point of view can be used to great effect." You saw Mr. Greenshaw lift a remote and press a button. The virtual hologram popped out of the board, and you could see various works of literature. It was about time he used that, you thought.

Mr. Greenshaw pointed to a hologram of a bound book - an ancient relic from another age. "Sometimes," he said softly, "the novel can be a series of letters." He pointed at the cover picture of another book. "Other times, it can be a transcript or a one-sided conversation. In the latter's case, the author may purposefully omit certain sections of the narration to form a second-person point of view, which leaves us to fill the gaps in the conversation.

"Remember, one cannot perform such advanced tricks without knowing the basics. If you do not know the rules before breaking them, you are a fool, not an artist."

"And then there's third-person," continued Mr. Greenshaw. His voice had regained its former roughness. "The most common in literature."

"Third-person narration has many similar yet distinct forms. First is third-person omniscient." Mr. Greenshaw turned his gaze across the classroom. He had a good batch this year. It pleased him to have such a class. "Here, the narration can flit from person to person. This can be an interesting way of shifting focus to another character. However, it can prevent the reader from developing a bond with the characters. If handled poorly, it can even be jolting."

Nahtem Portant groaned. She was getting hungry!

Mr. Greenshaw proceeded to discuss other forms of third-person. "The last, and the most common, is third-person limited. The writer is unrestricted by the forced intimacy of first-person, but cannot switch around like the somewhat overbearing third-person omniscient."

Hope dutifully focused on every word.

"Besides the he-she form, the writer also has the luxury of having a wider viewpoint to develop the characters. This allows the narrator to use a simple description or hint of expression, or even a whole side scene to give the reader the information that the main character can't know, but which the reader must know in order to follow the story.

"Third-person is often seen as more difficult to new writers, since they have to deal with all the characters, instead of just one. If you think this, then you fail to understand how first-person works."

Mr. Greenshaw sipped from his water bottle. "Class dismissed. Tomorrow is an early-release day, so the lesson is going to be on Lavender Unicorn Syndrome."

* * *

**The last bit about second-person was mainly from my experience with a single great fic, called Therapist Visit. It's a My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic fanfiction, and has requires some knowledge of the show to understand.**

**Don't judge a book (or show) by its cover. It's pretty great.**

**Anyway, if you liked, please leave a review!**


	3. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome (Short Day)

**So...its been a while. Enjoy the latest chapter. As always, I will accept any and all criticism.**

* * *

Hope fidgeted as he sat in his chair at the beginning of class. Mr. Greenshaw's Writing and Grammar was the last class of the day, and he was itching to leave. Just forty-five minutes left until sweet, sweet freedom.

Mr. Greenshaw, resplendent in his grey suit and red tie, rapped his pointer on the board. It read:

**Lavender Unicorn Syndrome**

But it was otherwise blank.

"So," Mr. Greenshaw began. "Lavender. Unicorn. Syndrome." He spat the words out like they tasted foul.

"Miss Caroline," he ordered, "please remind the class of one of the fundamentals of writing we discussed at the start of the semester. The second one."

Sally Caroline, a short young lady with bright red hair, nervously stated, "Er, avoid repetition?"

Mr. Greenshaw twitched. "Was that an answer or a question, young lady?"

"An...answer?" she replied hesitantly.

"Kids these days," he muttered under his breath. "Yes, very good," he said at a normal volume. "Repetition makes your writing stale and uninteresting! No one likes to read the same descriptions and names again and again. Mr. Estheim!"

Hope gave a brief shudder before responding. "Yes, sir?"

"When I read the utter travesty that you passed off as a literary narrative, one of the few points it earned was the lack of repetition. Is this correct?"

The pale-haired student flushed. "Yes," he squeaked.

The easily-angered teacher took out a folder from his desk, and from that pulled out a familiar paper. The aspiring writer-student cringed and sank lower into his seat.

"This foul crime," bellowed the man in the grey suit. "This blasphemy against all that is good in the world, is a classic example of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome!"

No one in the class dared laugh at the indignity of a fifty-or-so man screaming unicorn.

"Just because you seek to avoid word repetition," yelled the shouting teacher, "does not mean you must substitute each mention of their name with an irrelevant descriptive phrase! Am I clear?"

The class collectively muttered their assent.

He continued, "This can be disorienting and more than a little annoying. This creates a distance between the reader and the character—while this may be a short leap, it is enough to distract from any character interaction taking place, especially in the midst of heavy dialogue. If a character has a name, call them by it as much as possible."

Mr. Greenshaw swiped his pointed across the classroom's digital screen, and it changed. Now it read:

* * *

Walking along the road one day, Eve came across her friend Sarah. The bookish woman smiled and complimented Cocoon's premiere socialite on the success of her most recent party.

"Thanks, Eve!" said the pinked-haired lady. "I'm just glad everyone enjoyed themselves!"

"We sure did!" exclaimed Professor Janice's personal protégé.

* * *

"Obnoxious prose," said Mr. Greenshaw. "Unnecessary words that are almost painful to read. This is a classic example of how not to write properly. Who can tell me what was wrong with this passage?"

Hope raised his hand. "Irrelevance."

Mr. Greenshaw nodded. "Yes. We do not need to know who is teaching Eve in that passage, nor the state of Sarah's hair."

He swiped the board again. Now it read:

* * *

Walking along the road one day, Eve came across her friend Sarah. Eve smiled and complimented her on the success of her most recent party.

"Thanks, Eve!" said Sarah. "I'm just glad everyone enjoyed themselves!"

"We sure did!" exclaimed Eve.

* * *

"No descriptive phrases," said Mr. Greenshaw. "No unnecessary words. Clear, and much less annoying." He swiped the board again.

* * *

Sarah walked down the street on her carefree way. The people of the Third District smiled and waved at Sarah, and Sarah smiled back at them.

"Hello, Sarah!" said Eve.

"Hi, Eve!" Sarah replied. "Isn't it a beautiful morning?"

"Well, it's certainly…um…sunny, Sarah," Eve replied.

* * *

Hope was confused. Repetition was bad. This Syndrome was bad. What was he to do?

Mr. Greenshaw said, "Names are mostly invisible in prose, but you can still overuse them. If you find yourself repeating too many names, the answer is not to succumb to LUS. Instead, try to replace as many names as possible with pronouns."

He began to tap on various names on the board. Each time he did so, the name was replaced by an appropriate pronoun. Now the board read:

* * *

Sarah walked down the street on her carefree way. The people of the Third District smiled and waved at her, and she smiled back at them.

"Hello, Sarah!" said Eve.

"Hi, Eve!" Sarah replied. "Isn't it a beautiful morning?"

"Well, it's certainly…um…sunny, Sarah," the diligent student replied.

* * *

Mr. Greenshaw smirked. "Annoying, isn't it? This kind of whiplash can seriously damage the tension in, say, an action sequence or some tense exchange."

He tapped "the dilligent student," and it changed into "Eve."

"As you can see," announced Mr. Greenshaw, "sometimes, the problem can persist. You can often finish off the beast by removing obvious speaker attributions and addresses."

He tapped the board one more time.

* * *

Sarah walked down the street on her carefree way. The people of the Third District smiled and waved at her, and she smiled back at them.

"Hello, Sarah!" said Eve.

"Hi, Eve!" Sarah replied. "Isn't it a beautiful morning?"

"Well, it's certainly…um…sunny, Sarah."

* * *

"A lot of times," said Mr. Greenshaw, "What appears to be name overuse is actually repetitive sentence structure. Descriptive phrases will only address a symptom of the disease, akin to cleaning your room by tossing your junk under the bed."

A student raised his hand. "But, Mr. Greenshaw, aren't there some times where it's okay to use descriptions instead of a name or pronoun?"

"Very good, Mr. Wallcroft. Not every word or phrase that isn't a name or a pronoun is an example of LUS – it's all about context."

He glared into a seemingly random direction, looking at an invisible audience. "For example, if I was in a work of some sort, and I was a teacher, it would be alright to refer to me as 'the teacher,' but again, context. If the fact that I was a teacher was unrelated the rest of the passage, it becomes flowery and distracting."

He paused to drink from a bottle of water. "I stated before that descriptions can distance the reader from the characters. Sometimes, this is what you want to do. A short description can remove the reader from their intimate engagement with the story, and have them look at the big picture for a moment. He tapped the board.

* * *

"Almost...there..." Daniel grunted as he struggled to pull himself the few remaining feet of the mountain, and with much effort, he lifted himself onto its summit. He collapsed into a panting heap.

After recovering his breath, he looked up. "Woah..."

The little boy gazed in wonder at the vast expanse of land that spread out before and below him. He gazed in wonder at valleys, forests, streams and lakes, at farms, towns and cities, and at the snowcapped peaks of other mountains that lay along the horizon.

* * *

With another tap of his pointer, the board turned off, and the class could sense the incoming ring of the bell.

"A final note," said Mr. Greenshaw. "Obviously, unnamed characters must be named by descriptions. Just don't forget that named characters should be referred to by their names."

Hope glanced at the clock. There were only a few minutes remaining.

Mr. Greenshaw silently walked back to his desk, and reclined in his seat. "You've all seemed to understand the lesson, and it is a beautiful day..." The teacher sighed. "Class dismissed. No homework. Enjoy your early release."

As the class gaped, the bell rang.

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